Someone Call a Plumber

I seem to have spent the past couple of weeks leaking in ways that are not natural. But its ok, I called a plumber and he took a wrench to my bladder, and now I pee clear and with a choice of hot and cold!

Knocking

I’m knocking on the glass, knocking at this goldfish bowl.

But which side of the glass am I on?

Mind Control

Pick a card, any card. I was thinking of the eleven of hearts, which card did you pick?

HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!! The trick is ruined and its all your fault! You should damn well know whats in my head, and if you don’t then you should have taken some initiative and picked the right card anyway!

Stupid person.

Fear of the Grass

The peanutbutter unicorn is angry, he wants his lawnmower back.

Bipolar washing

A tear tears my mask
The tear tears up in kind

I am Mr. Washingmachinehead, watch the thoughts spin round and round. Frantically they churn. To what end? To be “clean”? Is this just to sterilise my mind?

Then the spinning stops, and my thoughts slump to the bottom. Damp and going cold. They all just become one single lump, too heavy to move on its own.

What programme am I on? If I could figure that out maybe it would all make more sense. Someone please empty me, I want to feel light again.

Choices

You Have a choice in front of you. What do you decide?

Tick tock.

Every choice has consequences. You are never just choosing one thing, you are choosing how to start a chain reaction that can explode in unexpected ways.

Tick tock.

Every consequence resonates through your life, a ripple effect of dominoes and dynamite. A choice you make today could alter the entire course of your life. You never know what vast changes might come from the smallest choices.

Tick tock.

A choice of Goodness now may lead to a life of misery. A choice of Evil may result in a life of Goodness hereafter. A choice of life may result in death. What do you choose?

Tick tock.

Think fast; if you take too long you will usually find the choice is made for you. Even making no choice is a choice in itself, so don’t get caught up trying to calculate all the possible outcomes and ripples, you will never be able to and you will miss your chance to make any choice at all.

Tick tock.

You are running out of time.

The Incredible Melting Man

Greeting humans!
My apologies for the long delay since my last communication, a lot has been happening to me. I was walking down the street on a hot sunny day when I realised something was wrong. It was in fact so hot that my very bones were softening and my skin wag starting to melt off me like a candle in an oven. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call for help, but as I did so my fingers turned liquid and my phone dropped to the puddle that was once my feet, and started melting also.

“This is it,” I thought to myself as I slowly sunk downwards, “the sun is crashing into the earth and we are all just going to boil away!” By this point I was not much more than a soggy head sitting on a puddle of molten me, and the last thing I thought before my brain trickled out of my nose was “I wonder if I should have worn sun block”

But there were not to be my final thoughts. This was not the end. Through some freak occurence, some twist of heat and proteins like a one off repeat of the primordial “melting pot” from which life first sprung, I survived. Changed, but still alive. The heat of the sun was excruciatingly painful, but through forces unknown to myself I was able to will my liquid form down the nearest drain-hole and into the dark, cool, relief-bringing sewers. I stayed for some time, puddled up in an old discarded tire that chances to float by, and contemplated my new existence. It was obvious that any form of heat was highly detrimental to me, so I learned to avoid direct light and other sources of heat. I have spent the past weeks honing my ability to move myself, and can now travel above ground if I am careful. I also recently learned that somehow I seem to have merged with my phone, and have developed the ability to communicate directly with the internet. It’s not as good as it sounds though, my phone had terrible connection that was flaky as anything – it’s like having one eye shut that that randomly opens for a few minutes then shuts again.

So keep an eye open for me, if you see a wet puddle moving between the shadows be sure to give me a little wave and a smile.

And don’t forget your sunblock.

Fire!

My face just caught fire. But that’s ok, I put it out with a spatula.

A prison of my own

My head is in a tiny cage that sits on my shoulders. I peer out through the bars and wonder what the work is like ‘out there’. What wonders am I missing out on locked inside this prison.

Sometimes I shake my head, banging it against the bars as I do. I think ‘maybe I can escape this way’ but I never do.

Oh how I long to be out there in the world.

Two Blind Mice

A small mouse crawled under my door the other day, and I made friends with it. His name was Derek, and he was out foraging for food for his pregnant wife back home. We had an interesting chat about our different perspectives on the world. He really could not get his head around our human culture, politics, war, trading. To him it just seemed like we have overcomplicated things because we are so afraid of any risks or threats. On the other hand I could not understand how he could live day to day not knowing where his next morsel of food is coming from, or not knowing what threats there are out in the world that could one day attack him.

Over the period of a few weeks we talked a lot. We even played a few games. He never did get the hang of Simon Says, but he was excellent at Hide and Seek. He even introduced me to his wife, who he obviously loved very much.

Then a few days ago I was burgled. The robbers tied me up and gagged me, but little Derek came to my rescue and chewed through the rope, allowing me free to then call emergency services for help.

Today Derek’s wife Linda was due to birth her litter. So this morning I killed them both.
After all, I don’t want lots of mice running around the house! Nasty horrible things.

So what is the moral of this story?