Stream of Unconsciousness
Disasters of Mysticism by Roberto Matta
I sit here shut tight inside my mind, and look at the confusion laid
out before me in this dim space. A tornado beats against the walls of
my hideaway, frantically trying to break through and invade my oasis
of calm. It is rushing fast, oh so fast. How can anything survive out
there? Surely everything is torn to shreds? Indistinct voices rush
past, and things bash against the walls, trying to break in. But each
hit makes the walls stronger, makes me safer. Safe in here to deal
with the mess laid out before me.
I glance down at the parts, jagged half thoughts and out of focus
memories. I dont know how I know, but I have to put them back
together. They shine too bright, sharp daggers of light leap off them
and plunge into my eyes. Such a mess, such disarray. I am trying to
put together the pieces of a puzzle, of lots of different puzzles with
the pieces all jumbled together, but i can only look at one piece at a
time and never look at what i’ve fit together so far. The tornado and
banging rush me, I have to finish my task before it’s too late. Too
late for what, I don’t know. It’s hard to concentrate.
Start panicking. The noises outside. The pieces that hurt. The
banging. Too much. Too hard. Can’t do it. Don’t even know why I need
to. Feel trapped, but it’s not safe out there. Everything moving too
fast, cut you to ribbons before you see it coming.
I turn away and move into the darkness. No bright lights here. No
glass memories that need fixing together. Just me, and darkness. Safe.
Calm.
Indistinct voices drift past outside. More banging.
Bang. Bang. Knock. Knock. There’s noone home.
Leave me alone.
Hi buddy
I have to say I’m humbled you’ve let me look at this blog. I won’t tell a single soul from your planet.
First off the pictures just your best work yet, what at first looks like a jumble sale of colour slowly faces jump out and the pain is shown, just excellent and it sums up very well you current state of mind.
I can only say your relationship was always going to end prematurely, There’s nothing you could have done differently to have prevented it from happening, the flower you picked was too young in life, she hadn’t tasted other fruits and given her childhood up bringing it was only time before she looked for answers and tastes elsewhere. Now I’m not making excuses for her or blaming you for making a poor choice.
For one, she should have respected you and said it wasn’t working, this proves she is a coward and weak . She can’t hold abuse, neglect or lack of support against you, you worshiped her with every part of your body, you gave her everything and the least she could have done was respect this. People who gave what you did don’t grow on tree’s on this planet or any other for that matter so by cutting you down she will have scared herself forever, she has proven love and respect, trust and loyalty are expendable and that will never leave her.
Life will be hard for her when the true colours come out, she is very inexperienced in life and will need to start learning very quickly or she’ll become a victim of life. You are better off without her and the love you have can be better spent investing on other people.
Which leads me to my only small piece of advise, You can’t lock your self away, to do so would be letting her win, it would be like locking a cure for cancer in an under ground gave, you have so much help, happiness and love you can’t say away from life. There are good people out there, people that you can trust and love, people who will give you back more than what you put in, only this time you’ll be much stronger and be able you spot easier those who are spent rounds. We all fall down. it’s a part of life so we can learn how to pick ourselves back up again.
Its going to be hard and you may be thinking its too early or I just can’t. you need to make yourself otherwise you run the risk of becoming old green boots.
I’m always here and I’ll get the train down if you need me too. I’m a text message away.
Your friend Mr Blue
My friend, thank you so much for your words, what you said here has brought a tear to my eye. A tear of both sadness and joy, thank you!
Sadly I cannot take credit for the artwork, it is by an amazing surrealist artist called Roberto Matta. I have changed the caption on the picture to make that a little clearer. The reason I chose this image though is that I really relate to the emotions that I see in there.
And yknow what? I reckon Old Green Boots is still up there somewhere, watching over the other climbers and subtly helping them when they’re in trouble