The Secret

On a cold night look for the steamy breath from below, lit by the golden glow. This is how you will find me and my secret. Under your feet lies a mouth with no face, one of many arteries of the living, breathing organism we call The City. The giant pipe spits a watery fire like an apathetic subterranean dragon, and on the seventh expulsion you may step into the bowel of this putrid beast and a step closer to my home.

Here I live in seclusion, my days absorbed by my work. For you see, although I know the secret, knowing is not the same as doing. But I see your confusion, so let me backtrack and correct your ignorance before I continue. Or maybe that is not confusion but indigestion, in which case you may wish to avert your ears as what I have to tell you won’t help any. It’s ok, you can put them in the box over there, I promise not to boil them. I’ve already tried that.

Custard. The yellow nectar of the gods, sunlight in delicious form. You may think you know what I am talking of but really you know no more about it than you do about the smell of a centipede’s armpits. Trust me when I tell you that you are ignorant at best, but more probably wilfully wrong. Where does it come from? Wrong! See, I told you! Do you really think Adam was tempted by something as boring as an apple? Did you seriously buy that, even for a second? It was custard, the fruit of the hard-working custard-bees of Eden, that Adam was powerless to resist. God was angry because of Adam’s defiance, but mostly because Adam ate a particularly delightful batch of most exquisite custard that He had been saving for a special day. He was so angry in fact that He decreed that no bees of this world would ever produce custard again and that no human would ever experience its heavenly pleasures from that day forward. God struck this yellow temptation from our history. This is why there is no mention of custard in the Bible. However the secret of custard, its blissful taste and soft creamy texture, has been passed from father to son in hushed whispers over countless generations.

This is where I came in. A very, very, long time ago my father told me this story and I made it my lifetime mission to uncover the secret of true custard. Thanks to the secret support of many religious leaders and people who make the fortune 500 look like cider swigging hobos I have been able to delicate many lifetimes to this quest. So where does custard come from? Me. At least everything you know as custard does. But that is only a shadow compared to the real thing. True Custard is an experience of nirvana so powerful that afterwards even Heaven is disappointing. I have shared the results of my work so far with the world, but now I am entirely consumed by my final challenge. Because, as I said earlier, I now know the secret. I found it a quarter turn between alchemy and sorcery, three steps into enlightenment and behind the ethereal spice rack.

The only problem is, as I mentioned, knowing the secret and using it have turned out to be two entirely different problems. For sixteen generations now I have been down here working on it. The substance I can produce now makes what I have released before seem like rusty rainwater. This custard is so good it literally glows, providing me with all the light I need, and tasting it makes the neurons in your brain spark to life as if you’ve never truly thought before. The taste is so wondrous that the best poets on earth are wordless to describe it (believe me, they have tried), and the richness so finely balanced that you can consume as much as you wish and never eat too much. Yet still my work is not complete, and finally my incredibly long life is drawing to a close. So please, come find me so I can pass on the secret to a new master. For I fear that if I pass before I get the chance, the true secret of Custard will be lost forever and mankind will always live wondering what it might have had, how history may have been changed.

Please come soon, my time is running out.

On a cold night look for the steamy breath from below, lit by the golden glow.


~ by RealJIMMY on February 8, 2013.

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